Happy New Year 2018- Try Your Best!

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

Happy New Year everybody! We say farewell to 2017 and welcome 2018 and that makes me overjoyed because I hate odd number years! Yes I’m weird like that as I feel more confident and lucky when the year ends with an even number! So bring on 2018 everybody and let’s make this one better than the last!

Before I go on though, part of me just sees New Years as another day, yes I enjoy it and I’ll celebrate it but once midnight hits and we all sing and cheer…that’s it, back to normal and we begin a new year a bit quietly I might add…January is always a quiet month for me so I always wonder why so many people travel long distances across country and spend vast amounts of money I might add, after they already have done these things a week prior for Christmas…just for a few minutes on the 31st of December? In London, you have people standing for hours in the cold for the fireworks, when you can watch it for free on TV, some even came from Taiwan or further afield! For fireworks! It’s not a bad thing to do by any means so go ahead and have a blast, I just find it funny how people moan about spending so much on Christmas, yet do the same thing a week later…maybe we all just like to moan from time to time? Life’s hard so who doesn’t like to unwind and celebrate something, just don’t be shocked if I don’t listen to you moan about how much you spent doing it the day after!

Moving on to Autism now, the start of a new year can bring hope that things will go a lot better for an individual than the previous one as I find myself reflecting on stuff that didn’t perhaps go to plan and what I can possibly do to make things more positive and better this time around…sounds like a broken record to be honest because I feel like I say this every January…it’s like a new years resolution that fails after a week!

A main challenge for anyone with Autism is being social and making friends, getting a job, getting married etc You see it all over the internet, books etc It’s a task for someone with Autism to do what someone without Autism can do, twice the effort etc You’ve probably heard it all a million times already! But one thing that I do everyday is something that helps a great deal and it’s rather simple as well but it works.

Do Your Best  

Basically, that’s all anyone should be able to do in this situation…just the best that you can do! No one should expect more or less really when it comes to socializing and not any other person can make this happen except for you! When I went to University, I had to force myself to go out and try to mingle with people, it wasn’t easy by any standard and at times, it didn’t work at all but I had successes as well in the long run and was generally a liked member of my class, I mean I got quite the cheer when I went to collect my degree on graduation day and for me, that speaks volumes because I can remember times when something like University was impossible, I had no interest in going out and spending time with people, not a chance!

I know what it’s like to have no friends and honestly, I hated every moment of it! Yes I enjoy time to myself but deep down, I knew I was lonely and I couldn’t think of a reason why I actually was. Could it have been my fault? Yes…it somewhat was…because I wasn’t making much of an effort or I just didn’t think it was that important really to go out and possibly humiliate myself by trying to make friends, if I failed…I’d just be mocked for it and be even more alone…if that was possible back then. School wasn’t fun for me, especially after my diagnosis but who am I kidding, it went wrong for me long before I even knew what Autism was!  Yet when I went to College and University, new worlds opened up for me and I was able to grow and learn more about myself because of it…I still made errors along the way but because I had better people around me than I ever did in school, I could cope and become more confident, resulting in the lifelong friends I have today!

I did my best along the way, accepting that I would have setbacks and that not everyone would like me along the way, some people didn’t but many did and I realized that growing up, I wanted everyone to like me and it cost me a lot because I said yes to everyone and felt used in the end, I couldn’t see that some had caught on and were using me…I respect myself far too much now to ever let that happen again but it took a lot of self belief that I wasn’t worthless, finding the right people to help me and a little bit of luck for it all to happen.

I was also tired of feeling cynical and being negative all the time, it was just as much my fault for what happened to me as it was everyone else, I let it happen…I didn’t try to stop it until it was too late and accepting that helped me a lot, I took the responsibility and learned from it, helping me grow as a person…I don’t moan about how others chose to live their lives or how I feel jealous that many can easily go out and make friends whereas It takes me ages to make just one! Life is to precious and short to worry about all of that, just do the best that you can and enjoy every single moment because good times will come to you! However, you have to make that happen…don’t just sit there and wait for me, get out there and make it happen yourself…yes bad times will happen but so will good ones…you just have to be a little bit brave and you’ll see the rewards for your efforts, not everyone out there will ignore you, some will see the attempts and efforts you put in…I for one don’t talk all the time with people I don’t know as much but over time, I find myself engaging in conversation with work colleagues more and more and as much as I feel nervous about it all, I give it a go at least and I always feel happy every time I have one!

So this year, I’ll continue to do the same and try to do a little bit more each time because I believe that I can, if I try hard enough…I myself can make 2018 a good year and with a little bit of luck, that’s what will happen….especially because me and my wife will try for a baby!

Happy New Year World! 

A Little Reflection

2017 has been a rocky year for me, to say the least…full of it’s ups and downs but I will look forward to putting this one behind me and moving on to 2018. I haven’t been able to do much writing this year which is disappointing for me! Life has gotten on top of me really at times, to the point that you just wonder why life is worth continuing on with! I’m not depressed or anything in that way, I will admit that 2 deaths in my family has somewhat changed my way of life, amongst other things but I believe that things will turn around and I’ll make sure that it does by working harder and by writing more because that brings out the best in me.

2017 for the world has been a very stressful one, am I the only one who is already fed up with Brexit?! I voted remain but now would rather just get on with it, life goes on but everyday you hear about more issues relating to it and that we must look like fools on the world stage…treating the whole ordeal like a divorce, the EU wants money and to keep control….so what was the point of this whole separation if nothing will really change? Not really one for politics but I continue to live as normal, not really paying attention to the whole situation….in or out, France can still be seen from the Dover Cliffs, they will always be our neighbours and I’ll never stop wanting to visit our brothers and sisters on the continent!

However, the most common place that is always in the news is America! I’ll say it and I don’t care but America….WTF?! Your gun laws make no sense…everyone is entitled to bear arms because of the 2nd amendment?? Isn’t that the same document that has been altered and changed many times through the last hundred or so years? So tell me why the rules for gun control can’t be changed as year…I mean it literally makes no sense, over 13,000 killed by guns in 2015! Whereas in Britain….about 50-60 people! I only ever see guns after a terrorist incident forces danger levels up and the police are forced to carry them around for a while! Apart from that, I never see them and I’m glad of that…who would feel safe, knowing that most people around you might be packing a killing machine in a car, jean pocket or in your face? Every couple of weeks or so, you see on the news that a mass shooting has occurred and more innocent people die because someone got a little angry one day and decided to shoot someone over it?

What justifies so many guns? To look tough? Keep loved ones safe? I’m not saying ban guns altogether but why does it seem so easy to get one and why can so many people access them? I mean I can’t go to my nearest supermarket and buy one?! At least make the process of getting a weapon much harder and why has your president just made it legal for Mentally Ill people to get a hold of them? Things change for a reason…no offence America but you’ve been a country for about 300 so years…much younger than the rest of us and we’ve all had experiences and made changes to our laws because it makes sense! It’s hard to obtain guns over here because it would be beyond stupid to make it easy…do you know what happens when it’s not that hard to buy a machine gun which isn’t legal yet some people still get a hold of them?

Shootings, people dying for no reason! Where does common sense come in here…I mean I have Autism and in America would probably be put on some kind of medication for it but even when I’m angry or mad…I can’t just grab an automated weapon and gun someone down…I go for a walk or talk to a friend or family member and calm down! Yet a guy can obtain weapons and go to a hotel in Las Vegas and kill over 50 people! I mean this year alone, America has had over 300 shootings! Almost one a day! Let that sink in for a moment…I imagine the morning conversations in Europe and America being quite different.

Europe

Mum: Your in big trouble when you come home tonight

America

Mum: Your in big trouble…if you come home tonight

The worst bit about it all is how many Americans DEFEND their gun laws! They have a right to them and will never part with them…I mean with 2018 coming up, will anything really change….I would like to think so, that even America, the most stubborn country sometimes….will wake up and see that all these deaths caused by a lunatic wielding a gun could have been prevented…if they just make it harder, not easier to obtain a gun and not just any guns….the automatics, rifles, machine guns etc What sane person needs a machine gun? I mean I read somewhere that the more mass shootings, the more people go out and buy more guns! Got to protect yourself from that nutter Billy down the block!

People die in other ways as well, diseases…car accidents….yet cars serve the purpose of transportation…the only service a gun should serve is protection…..yet how many people actually use them just in case the house gets robbed or a life threatening situation? At least one shooting a day people!

 ”The ONLY thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Donald Trump

Constant jabs and insults tossed about the world, mostly between America and North Korea! Missile tests, threats of annihilation…what is the human race at the moment? It’s like we’ve all lost the plot since the millennium began! All sense went out of the window and we get that bit more crazier each time a new year comes around! Can Earth just calm down a little bit before something serious happens, something that we can’t come back from? Maybe make it so you can’t go to your local Walmart and purchase a killing machine…stricter background checks maybe…especially at gun shows where they don’t even do them apparently! A bit of common sense wouldn’t go a miss! Just make the process a bit more reasonable and not like doing a spelling test, most can do! Most of the world learned from mistakes involving guns and changed rules to make it better…why is it so hard for you to do the same?

The way we are going, it won’t be robots, aliens, religious event or other worldly thing to wipe out the human race…we’re good at making things go extinct…does that include ourselves though? Wouldn’t shock me!

Autism In The Workplace

Today I talk about Autism and work, now from what I hear and read about this topic is that the two do not click very well or in other words, many people with Autism struggle to get a job, let alone hold one down. I have had a few jobs from being a teenager and have had many different experiences through them all, some good and a few bad and I left a job because I got all too much for me to handle but that was for more than just handling angry customers.

What is it that holds so many people back from getting a paid job when they have Autism? The fear of dealing with people? A lack of understanding from an employer? Maybe it’s both in a way, I mean school was a struggle enough, why would going out into a working place be any different when you won’t know who you are working with? Every article I read, it says that a low per cent of adults with Autism will be able to work a full time job or even live by themselves, especially those with high functioning Autism and it can be a little frustrating to read stuff like this because it isn’t a confidence booster so many years ago, I fell of the wagon and didn’t think like that…I didn’t read the articles stating that everyone with Autism was the same, I didn’t even think about Autism and I got on with my life.

When I moved in with my wife in 2014, I needed to find a job so I took the first job that responded to me and that was a fast food restaurant on the edge of town, it was money and that’s all I was bothered about…at the time. At first, everything was fine and dandy but some of the rules the place had were very stressful and you had to be up and running all day long, you couldn’t slow down for a second and it was very bad for my health, I resorted to Kalm tablets to not lose control and snap because it was slowly bringing me down over time. An example was that you had to not be a pound down in your till or it’s a mark against you and if you got so many, they got rid of you but what they don’t tell you is that while your working and serving customers, another worker might take something from your till…to teach you a lesson! It’s busy as heck and when your focusing on 3 to 5 customers at a time, that’s what they are bothered about! A few of my tills were down and that added to my stress and not to mention the customers who would make you feel small and how they’d brag that they were successful etc You see that a lot in most jobs to be fair though! 

I left that place after a month because I just wasn’t myself anymore, I wasn’t happy at all and people noticed my change in attitude, I just didn’t want to do anything whatsoever so for my health and happiness, I chose to leave and work a little bit closer to home. Working with the public has it’s up and downs but it’s fine most of the time yet you will get the occasional person who tries to ruin your day, mostly because they are already in a bad mood.

I have worked in a cafe before as well and that was on and off as you would occasionally get the angry customer who complained over the slightest detail, I even had one moan because I was Autistic…that was the last time I told someone I thought was friendly that I had it and they moaned because one of their neighbours has it and is always loud and throws things so they assumed I was the same and demanded someone else to serve them…it was humiliating, I’ll admit but I got over it in time but an experience like that can crush confidence because of the lack of understanding with some people can hamper a day and make you want to go home and quit.

Nowadays, I do just fine with a job and mine includes dealing with the general public on a daily basis! That sounds like it would be really tough for someone like me to have to talk to people all day long but to be honest, it’s fine most of the time! In a way, I just stopped letting people get to me and ruin my day, what’s the point of letting one or two people get to you if they think they are above you? I just shrug it off but I used to struggle to get over a comment made by someone, I won’t see them again anyway so why let it get you down? I mean I was once complained about for saying the following to a customer

”I don’t think Donald Trump should be president” – 2016

Now I live in England people! Yet someone got offended by my opinion on anothe countries presidential election…because you can’t have an opinion in this day and age because someone will be offended by it to the point that they have to say something…what a sad world we live in! I don’t remember this in the 90’s, just makes me realise why I’d hate to be labelled a ‘Millennial’ because everyone just moans about them…I can see why! I mean I heard that Britain wanted ‘Pregnant Woman’ to be changed to ‘Pregnant People’ because it is offensive to Transgender people, don’t believe me, look at the blue link by the Guardian the point being is that people get offended by the strangest of things and at work, you tread on egg shells as what to talk about!

Jobs are hard and having to deal with people has ups and downs but it’s not something that I dread anymore…I’m used to it because you will get bad customers but you will also get so many more good customers who brighten your day and make you smile, I mean I’ve had many customers come to me because of my smile or because I make their day and that makes me happy so it’s worth it, I have my regulars and some have even bought me a bottle of champagne before my wedding!

Sounds silly but I just stopped thinking about Autism when I’m in work, I know I’m capable and I don’t need a label to hold me back because it only holds me back via how others react to it, not me personally so I don’t think about it at all and yes I have moments where I come close to a meltdown and I over think everything to the point I’m told not to worry but that’s life, I earn all my victories by myself…in other words, I peeled my label off.

Jobs are hard and can be challenging but if you don’t believe the hype that people with Autism can’t handle very much and you just do your best, then no one can ask any more from you, don’t do anything that you will find damaging for your health, try something that will make you feel comfortable and an environment that will make you happy…preferably one that is good for dealing with people with disabilities but it’s not impossible for someone with Autism to get a job, far from it…don’t let what you have hamper or stop any dreams that you have, after all…it’s all down to you at the end of the day if you let it get to you or not…no one else is responsible for that so don’t let it stop you, let it encourage you and push you forward in this world, let it make you happy!

Autism- Being Scared Of It?

An article by the BBC in the UK that is called I’m scared of my own autistic child came onto my screen today, so I had to give it a read and study it because it peaked my interest as it is basically all about Autism and violence, feel free to read the article and decide for yourself on where you stand on the matter.

Autism can come in many forms, mild, severe etc It is different for all of us in many ways. Some of us can live our life’s in a manner where outbursts and meltdowns are non existent and have no impact on anything, some however cannot do this and have no understanding of their actions or the consequences of them. In the article above, it explains how parents with autistic children are struggling to cope with violent outbursts because the children do not understand what they are doing and have no way of expressing how they feel due to learning difficulties.

Young children can and will occasionally pull your hair, accidentally head butt you when you hug them, kick you etc and most people can handle that but imagine a young teenager or adult that does that, it gets a little bit more serious then because you have strength behind those kicks, punches and as the article points out, parents are saying that not enough help is there for them to deal with challenging behaviour. I’ll admit that maybe a few times as a child, I did some daft things like bite my parents or try to wrestle my brother because I saw it on TV etc but I have no problems expressing how I feel as much I did in my childhood and as I got older, I understand my actions and why it’s bad to do it but not everyone with Autism can do that and it continues into adulthood sometimes, getting worse and more dangerous as well for people around them.

I can understand where the parents are coming from in a way, I mean I wouldn’t enjoy being hospitalized by one of my children if they had Autism and had violent outbursts or my wife either! It’s a scary thought having to explain to someone that our child put one of us in hospital or having to call the police on them and they have no understanding of what they have done and you want to get mad about it but deep down, you know they can’t help it but how long can it go on for? Autism doesn’t exactly go away! These parents feel like no help is available to them and are feeling trapped by a child that can’t control or understand what they do, so what can they do about the situation apart from feeling scared? No one wants to live in fear within the walls of their own home!

These children, teenagers and young adults are not violent people in any way a whatsoever but as they do not have an understanding due to learning difficulties and the severity of the Autism, it becomes a problem but it’s not the fault of people with Autism or the parents, if anything it’s the governments and NHS’S fault for not providing enough care or taking the situations seriously enough that stuff like this is happening to families, that certain children are being locked away in bedrooms with bars on the window like Harry Potter in order to protect other people in the household! For making parents think with doubt and feeling depressed that this is their life and it’s not the fault of the parents or the child with Autism

A quote in the article says

 “Councils are working hard to make sure children with autism and other special needs get access to the support they need… they have been put in an impossible situation due to increasing demand and historic underfunding”. – Local Government Association

No one wants to be scared of their own children, we want them to get the most out of life but with the lack of help and it all being pretty much swept under the rug due to lack of funding, what are parents in this situation supposed to do? And when you have others around you that might not properly understand what Autism is, it just gets worse from there! Parents who are in this situation need help and shouldn’t have to be put in hospital by a violent outburst in order to get noticed and have something be done, assistance should be available log before anything like that happens, I mean who should have to get a scratched cornea or have a head wound be glued shut before people notice what’s going on? It’s madness! The question really here is….are children with severe Autism being ignored?

Autism- Anti Social At Social Events

Welcome, today I go into always feeling anti social during social events… with my Autism, it’s automatic people! Turns itself on when I go out and see friends or when I’m at work etc It can make me feel like no one will be interested in anything I say or do…it’s true that some days are dark and lonely because of this but quite a lot, it’s all down to me because I discovered that a lot of the time, it was in fact myself that made me feel that way by casting doubt into my own mind and heart.  I’ll talk about a few moments from my past and pretty much say how I started off really bad at making friends but as I get older, I slowly begin to get better at it and why I think that is the case.

Making friends, creating memories together and going to places to meet other people, all things that we go through during our life times or in most cases at least but sometimes, that doesn’t happen for everyone, many unheard voices go through life without having ever made a single friend…sounds very unlikely when you consider the amount of people we have on this planet but it does happen! Moments in your life where you have to socialise with other people can be scary…I’ve found many moments during my life to be terrifying and most of them have been so because I didn’t do very well and would stand in a corner by myself, wishing I could just go home, wondering why I even bothered in the first place.

Despite all of my failures in being social as a child, I have had friends come and go throughout my life, up to the point that I have my lifetime friends by my side always and I know I can always have a good time with them and I feel happy around them, even having one of them as my best man and some of my other close friends as groomsmen which made me feel really happy as I never thought I would even have a friend to ask but I ended up with 4 groomsmen. I feel fortunate that I have the good friends that I have because at one point, I convinced myself that it would never happen!

It sounds like I don’t have any issues being social and truth be told, I don’t…however, it hasn’t always been that way because as I said earlier on, I struggled greatly as a child to make friends and be social…in fact when I think about it, I struggled more before I was diagnosed with Autism then afterwards…well a few years after my diagnosis I got better at it!

I started off not so bad as I had friends at my special needs school but once I left that place, I struggled to make decent friends with many people in school and often spend my times being ridiculed and alone. Not happy days for me and I didn’t even know I had Autism at this stage in my life but I had an idea that something was up as I would always do things without thinking about consequences, whether I was upsetting anyone or not…such thoughts never entered my head and was probably why my childhood wasn’t as good as it probably could have been if I was more aware of what I had at an earlier age, who knows but what happened, happened and it left me feeling negative and not wanting to go near anyone for a very long time.

Going to college though was a huge help for me as it gave a fresh new start after being a disaster at school that left a bad taste in my mouth and made me distrustful of people altogether. You would think that things would only get worse from here because of how I felt, I had pretty much given up on ever making a true friend but I was very wrong! It didn’t take long at all for me to be nice and include me in things…no time at all and that made me wonder just why school went so wrong…had I gotten lucky or something?

Throughout the next 5 years, I would make friends with many people on my courses and my confidence would continue to grow each time, up to the point that I was mostly able to forget all of the hard times in school and accept that I was just with some bad and stupid eggs that I was better away from! However, from time to time I would find myself experiencing meltdowns at awkward times and feel down that people would like me anymore because I was being weird…I began to feel down again but my friends would always bring me back and help me up…no one had ever done that before and it was an eye opener, not everyone is bad, if you can find the right people which are everywhere…anyone can make a friend! My confidence was that high, I even got a girlfriend who’s now my wife!

Eventually, I decided to take the next step, move away from home and go to University was I was terrified off as I had never lived by myself and so far away from home before, I’ll never forget that first moment once my parents drove away after dropping me off and It all clicked, I was on my own now and it was scary…I wasn’t sure if I could make the most of it all or would I crack and want to go home! That first night, I met some of my flatmates and we agreed to go to another flat for a meet and greet drinking party…I was nervous but reluctantly went along, even though I wanted to run into my room and lock the door.

I stepped into the flat kitchen later on with my flat mates and all I saw in the place was a big group of students huddled into the reasonable space which was a decent size kitchen but it contained more than 10 people! So it was a tad bit cramped which I’ll admit was my first issue with the evening, I sometimes feel scared in tight spaces…maybe I’m claustrophobic? Everyone was already drunk and playing drinking games on the counter tops and it amazed me how quick some people can make friends when they have only just met when it can take me weeks or months to feel comfortable around just one person, let alone a whole room!

I shortly made my excuses and went back to my dorm room, feeling sorry for myself but to my surprise…my roommates were…proud of me! They were happy that I at least gave going out a go and that really made things better for me, no one was disappointed or thought that I was being weird…they said we’d try again and take it step by step, I felt like at that moment, I had gone full circle…from the first time I ever went to a social event at a club in my hometown as a child, being all alone and feeling bad about it, as an adult…I was praised for at least trying, no pressure was on me and I would eventually get the hang of it, that speaks volumes for me.

I’ve had ups and downs throughout my life…I’ve liked to play it safe at times because I was to scared to take that next step for whatever reason, like how I stayed in dorms for my entire time in University because I was to scared to ask anyone if I could move in with them, it was an experience as some were good and some were really annoying but that’s life, an experience! Not everyone I met was nice but the difference here was I knew that, as a child…I was naive and didn’t see that in people…it led me to being bullied because of it yet I feel like it opened my eyes and prepared me for times like this…life is an experience, we choose whether we listen to it’s lessons or not.

I have good friends, a wife, family and I can go somewhere and have a good time….just maybe not all the time!

Thomas The Tank To Have Extra Girl Power

Thomas The Tank Engine is a children book and television series that has been around since the late 1940’s…well not the TV series but the book have and many have fond memories of the show but over the years, it has gone through changes, such as CGI, more songs, characters etc and in 2018, it appears that another huge change is happening in the heart of it all, Tidmouth sheds where two engines are being evicted but before we go into that, let’s look at the engines that represent the genders.

For the boys, we have.

• Thomas
• Percy
• Edward
• Gordon
• Henry
• James

And for the girls, they have

• Emily

I guess when you look at that, the balance is quite far off….by quite a bit! Probably because engines don’t think about gender or equality…because they are engines and have no such notion but alas, it’s a show written by humans so our notions must be added in so real life politics, issues must be included…even if it makes no sense because at the end of the train…it’s about an engine and who watches the show.

More female characters in the show, that’s fine with me and that’s something that confuses me a bit as well, why would it bother anyone if a show meant for children adds a couple of new characters in? Let me get this straight when I say that this is a children’s show that has been around for a very long time, 70 plus years so it is close to a lot of people who grew up with it, myself included and the addition of two new characters isn’t a problem for me but possibly getting rid of two classic engines such as Edward or Henry in order to do it….that I have a problem with! Is the Fat Controller being stingy and not bringing in Welsh coal anymore? (If you’ve watched the show, you’ll get that!) Poor Henry. 

Two classic engines from day one are getting the boot, possibly just being moved elsewhere on the island (fingers crossed) so the 2 new female characters, which will be forced down your throats for the foreseeable future can move in and that’s a problem to me…not that they are female but such a big deal is being made out of it…like women are never represented or something…like anywhere???? Most television shows I watch have female main characters, what is everyone going on about….is it just children’s shows we are going on about?

The United Nations, (the article doesn’t belong to me but the Daily Express) of all things is getting involved with this show…making Thomas travel the globe and make the show gender neutral…I had no idea that of all things to show how important gender equality was…Thomas The Tank engine was the way forward?! It feels like our children today are being told what is ok and what isn’t and it feels so controlling because as far as I’m aware, we all get so easily offended if both genders aren’t represented equally in entertainment programs and the innocent days of my childhood are long gone…it’s not like I ever went up to a girl in my youth and said

‘You don’t have a train representing your gender because you don’t matter!’ 

IT’S A TRAIN! Children don’t think about stuff like this at that age, let them be kids! I didn’t even think about which trains were boys or girls, it never mattered to me yet today, it means everything! The comment sections on any news article about well anything is a cesspool of offended people who act like they know everything….they can’t sleep at night because you don’t have 5 female main trains and 5 main male trains….it drives them insane and their children will grow up to be sexist monsters, NO THEY WON’T!

Perhaps ask your children if they like the change or not…don’t tell them it’s for the best if they don’t like the idea…what happened to having an opinion anymore? I respect this idea and don’t mind it happening but I know why it’s happening and it just makes me laugh a little because it makes no sense….adding two more female engines into a show for children won’t change anything! Why do you think it will? Steam trains or diesels in this show don’t have relationships of sorts…you don’t have couples or superiors etc it will promote friendships and the world, making it unimportant which gender it is doing it! I wouldn’t care if it was a male engine or female, as long as I like the character, that’s all what would matter to me, not be told…‘like the girl engines darling!’ All it will do is give the show a few more episode ideas etc

Don’t the UN have a better way of supporting Gender Neutrality other than using a children’s show to do it? Now…I know many will tell me to get a grip and that it’s only a television show but that’s exactly the point…it’s a television show for children…why is the news/media making a huge deal out of it, why do we see people online arguing over it….being called racist and sexist? Why can’t children decide for themselves instead of us lot telling them how they should think…if the world was a better place and everyone didn’t get offended every 5 bloody minutes over the gender of a train that isn’t even real!  They possibly wouldn’t think in the way that we assume they will!

I seriously don’t remember my childhood being this difficult at all, I never thought boys were better than girls and still don’t…I was a child, why would I think that deeply at that age…unless someone else influenced me to think the way that they want which is what we do nowadays, to be politically correct and nice 24/7 so we aren’t labelled as racist or sexist by strangers on the internet but why aren’t we allowed to come to these decisions on our own? If I was a child, I’d feel so much pressure to not accidentally say or do something that would offend someone else because we all constantly step on egg shells in 2017….I swear 2010 to 2020 will be looked back at as the decade we all lost our spines and got offended so easily.

Again though, it’s a just a show that’s trying something new and it hasn’t even had the new characters arrive yet but so many of us have already begun moaning and complaining because another treasured show from our youth has been changed for another generation to enjoy, believing that it’s forcing children to accept gender equality etc…is it really though? I mean a child could easily watch this and not listen to a single message from it, maybe they won’t care how many male or female trains are in the show they’ll likely want to buy them all anyway which is in my opinion, the main point for all of this….marketing…more characters, more money made in train toy sales…merchandising people, it’s what successful shows do!

At the end of the day, the show gets 2 new characters that happen to be female, hopefully Edward and Henry can still be in the show and the whole travelling around the world thing can be a success as well, who knows but it’s early days and remember, this is a show for children, yet we see grown ups arguing over it online…let the children decide whether it’s a good idea or not. Also, we are all losing the plot over the gender of a new steam train on a children’s show…try and remember that!

Like A Lost Soul

What is my place in life? Why am I here? I sometimes wonder these two questions because sometimes it feels like I get up, go to work, come home and go to bed and it becomes a routine that you can feel trapped inside off because you know you would be much worse off if you didn’t have a job to go to or a home to leave and come back to but you also want so much more from life.

Everyday you see people living a dream, doing the job they always wanted to do and you look at yourself and ask ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I went to school, got good marks and have a degree…why am I struggling so much to make myself happy?

Have you ever heard anyone say this to a child

”Do well in school or you’ll be a failure like that person!” 

I have heard two people say that to their children and you wonder what kind of example does that set for them? To make them look down at people working and earning money…just because it’s not a high paying job, they have to be looked down upon and mocked…what is this the 1800’s? Many people I’ll have you know can’t find a job or put food on the table, many collect benefits yet the ones that earn something and work for it can be mocked and made out as examples to not end up like that and it sickens me because too many people don’t know what it’s like to struggle a bit but like to moan like they do. I don’t know, it’d be nice if people didn’t feel like bragging if they or someone they know is successful or doing well in life…nothing wrong with people doing well but why make someone else feel bad if they aren’t?

However, we have no point moaning about how unfair life can be, things won’t become better that way, we have to do something about it ourselves! They say that University degrees no longer guarantee a high paying job and in the UK, doing an apprenticeship is the new way forward for the next generation…won’t leave you in high debt and no prospects, that’s for sure!

With all that said, I feel like I became a bit of a lost soul in the education system…don’t get me wrong, my grades are fine…I’d say I’m a B/C student as most of my GCSES are those marks but when I was diagnosed with Autism as a teen, it caused so much time being wasted by becoming accustomed to how I did things and having others telling me to not have much hope for the future…I couldn’t ever think about being a doctor, lawyer or anything worthwhile…my confidence was so low…I thought people wanted me to become a farmer or something…no disrespect to farmers but I don’t want to do that!

I work, earn money and can afford what I want to but I also think…what if I try to move up the ladder a little bit someday…try something new yet I always fear that marks will somewhat hold me back over experience. I’ll always write, that is something that I live for! The one thing that makes me happy, whether I succeed or fail at, I’ll keep doing it because it makes me smile.

Life’s a journey for everyone…we just all take different paths towards the end of it..I know that if I want to do better, I have to do something about it myself. I don’t like being a lost soul.

 

I Feel Hurt With Life

Life is a strange thing indeed! It can involve so many up and down moments for us all and each one can be so unique and be a little different, even if something similar has happened prior but for me, a recent event or I should say a couple of similar events have occurred in my life over the summer that have somewhat brought me down, to a point I felt I would never return to.

I always find something that takes me away from the keyboard so far this summer 2017. It’s hard enough when you lose 1 family member but 2 in the space of a week? August 2017 was a horrible month for me and my 1st Wedding Anniversary was in that month! That was a diamond in the rough compared to the other 30 days! The two passing’s just make that month one of the worst I have ever had…the last time I felt so down was when I was diagnosed with Autism!

I’ve been down before with life and sometimes, I just couldn’t be bothered to write any blogs or anything for a while if it upsets me to a certain point that I can’t concentrate enough anymore…not so much in fact…I had a few days off work because of this one, I couldn’t cope with anything! Granted that they both made it to good ages, 86 and 93…it still hurts that one minute, they are here…the next they are gone! Someone you’ll never speak to or see ever again…only have pictures and memories to remember them by.

I wasn’t there when my grandfather died but I was in town when I was told that my grandmother had passed away in her sleep and I just knew that I had to go around…I have no idea why I would want to…I mean it’s not an easy thing to do but I felt bad that I had never been able to properly say ‘goodbye’ to someone close to me…I didn’t want to let this slip by…it’s a time I’ll never be able to forget but to be honest…I don’t think I want to forget it…no one made me go and see her, I chose to do it because of everything she has ever done for me, I want to at least thank her and say a proper farewell.

I have struggled to speak my mind to anyone over this or feel like I can ask about how others are dealing with this as well…I feel so helpless and useless as a grandson because I feel blank…I can’t do anything productive or helpful as of right now and maybe a bit of time to come to terms is needed.

I didn’t always cry either time…I felt sadness but I’m not so sure I was able to express it completely, like I would have preferred to. I have always found it hard to cry when something upsetting happens but this time…I cried more on the day that my grandparents died than the actual funerals or the last goodbyes! It can be mentally draining to come to terms with death, I sometimes still don’t understand it…so many questions regarding what happens to a person once they are no more…and with me, if I don’t know something, it drives me nuts so death is a tough one because I have to convince myself that they have gone to a better place…even though I’ll always think what if scenarios…because I can’t help myself.

It’s been a hard time recently because one death is tough enough to get over but 2! I’ve never had to deal with this sort of thing before…sure I’ve had death in the family before but not so much at once! I just feel so much pain right now…something about death just gets to me…changes me and I can’t stand it at all…I just only hope that with time, my wounds become healed and I can move on with life once more.

Rest In Peace Edna and James

To Talk About Autism

I do not own the article used in this blog nor claim to. It is the property of the Metro Newspaper!

We have a newspaper in the UK called the Metro and I found an article called Five Conversations I’ve had To Have About Autism   and it basically talks about while we have differences when it comes to having Autism, we have recurring themes that we can all go through so I thought I’d look through the article and see if I can relate to any of them.

• 1) The Apology– It talks about often having to apologise to other people for either having Autism or if someone you know like a child for having Autism in certain situations, the Metro uses an example of a child with Autism being ‘mean’ to another child and a parent complaining to the other parent about it. The parent who has the Autistic child apologises and explains that their child is Autistic and it goes on saying that apologising for their child’s behaviour all over the place and I immediately said that I cannot relate to this issue at all as I have never apologised to anyone for what I have nor will I ever…whether I do when I become a parent is another matter though!  True that understanding of Autism has gotten better over the years but it’s nowhere near to the level that we all need it to be and I don’t think I would ever say ‘I;m sorry but my child is Autistic because I just feel like I’ using it as an excuse…I don’t want to go about with the impression that Autism is the reason my child would act the way they are doing…maybe some do but as I got older, I felt slightly ashamed that I found it easy to use the Autism card if I did anything wrong…I was responsible for my actions! Nope, I can’t relate to this first one but I imagine others will be able to.
• 2) Telling Your Child– This is one I might be able to relate to in the future when I have children of my own but as for me being told, I was a teenager and was well aware that I was diagnosed with Autism, I didn’t need my parents to tell me but I sometimes wish that I was diagnosed a few years earlier when I was at my special needs school so I was in a better environment to learn how to cope with it as things could have ended up much better for me but if I was a parent who had a child who was young and was diagnosed, I would tell them straight away and help them in every way In could, I’ve been in the battle…I know when a meltdown is around the corner and when something is going to go down…not many others in my life really know and I’m not sure my wife would know much about it, she struggles enough with me to be honest. I could wait until my child was a little older, easily but why wait? I know first hand that it didn’t work…I went through years of confusion and anger with the timing and it slowed me down but then again, not everyone will be in that situation so for some it may work, for others it won’t.
• 3) The myth-buster– ‘Vaccines cause Autism’ ‘You must love Rain Man!’ ‘Everyone with Autism is the same’ No, Yes and….NOPE! Funny how everyone looks things up in the internet for everything nowadays, yet people still don’t know much about Autism, it’s like spelling something wrong on a computer…how is that possible with spell checker? True you shouldn’t believe everything you see online…especially the Vaccine stuff..I worry about the future generations that seem to be getting stupider I’ll have you know! More vaccine talk and I roll my eyes! Have fun with all the diseases your children get because you read an article by a phony doctor who was proven wrong! Every time…soon the be the lazy generation when technology does EVERYTHING for us! Anyway…so many stereotypes about Autism that the majority seem to believe just like that…’it’s true because the internet said so!’ I find myself having to explain to people that I’m not that good at Maths…I’m nothing like Sheldon Cooper and that I have friends and I am married…I’ve even been accused of faking it because I have friends! I hate stereotypes on all levels because they are all so stupid…I’m moving on from this one before I lose my good mood and need a soya drink
• 4) Telling Your Family- I personally don’t understand why telling the family would be such a big deal…your all family at the end of the day and if something like a family member having Autism is going to change the way you care or see them…your not worth my time, ain’t never speaking to you again! Autism doesn’t have to be such a life changing moment if the people around the individual are loving and understanding! Patience is needed when it comes to loud noises, crowds of people and amongst many other things when it comes to Autism but if the person has people who don’t make him feel bad for it and help him get through it, then things are ok, correct? Sure it might take many attempts to get through a shopping trip without having a meltdown but babies cry and scream as well and people get annoyed by that…people get annoyed by nearly anything almost everywhere…whether it be a shop, park, cinema or public transport….loud noises will irritate most people, Autistic or not, the only difference is helping the person with Autism understand and that they don’t have to feel bad or ashamed for it! Having people around you that are caring and always there if you need them is vital, DO NOT make them feel alone or worthless because of it! You can’t shield them from everything forever though! One day, they have to learn to stand by themselves but you will always be there still because that’s what a family is supposed to do!
• 5) ‘The Support Network’ – This one just talks about the Facebook posts and groups online that we’ve all seen before where you will find someone that believes they are always right and everyone else is wrong, people who can’t see anything negative etc It suggests that everyone who has Autism have different ways with dealing with what they have, the same method will not work for everyone but some may be able to relate somewhat. This one actually makes using the online groups seem unavoidable as a method of dealing with Autism or a venomous pit where you are always wrong and that is sometimes the case but I have found it to be helpful a bit as well…it’s nice to know that your not the only person in the world who struggles with such things…it’s enough to make me feel a bit positive that I’m not alone at least!

Dancing With Autism- Let’s Go To College!

[ Dancing With Autism Part one can be found here! ]

Part 2

Last time , I talked about having the need to go back and reflect on my origins with my understanding of Autism and how the first few years with it just made life feel unlivable from time to time, yet with lessons learned and not giving a single f*** anymore, progress is slowly made!

Everyone has a story with how they dealt with having Autism once they found out, nothing is ever the same and this is mine and I’ll be honest, it wasn’t fun…so many misunderstandings by myself and others who were supposed to know better around me that I say slowed me down when I was at a critical time of my life and perhaps with better support for me and not tossing me into a group of delinquents then maybe I would have had a better 5 years, who knows but here we go.

By the time I reached the age of 16, I had just about done my GCSE exams or lack of them as I only really was allowed to take the Maths, English and Science tests which deeply upset me as I felt it unfair to not be allowed to go for History, Geography or even French! Truth be told it was more the principal of the issue that I found more insulting as I just didn’t understand why my Autism was such a major factor in the decision for so much to change in my life.

For me, Autism was still very much unknown and I had little understanding about it because if anything…people were treating me like I had some sort of anger issues…telling me that it’s never good to keep things locked up inside and that if I needed to express an emotion then I should but I didn’t always get what they meant by this because before any of this happened, I thought life was pretty good. Before the word Autism or Aspergers came into my life, I had friends, was always told I was a happy child and I didn’t have a worry in the world, I had even been kissed by a girl my age unexpectedly but I didn’t really think much about it at the time…I was 10 after all!

Anyway, with my somewhat disappointing grades under my belt now, you could probably understand that I was a little down in the dumps, I mean I had no prospects for a respectful career or continuing my education at all…it was like I had reached the final station on the train ride, it was time to get off at an unknown destination and I didn’t know what to do.  However, fate seemed to have not given up on me just yet…it appeared to have thrown me a lifeline and another chance to turn things around but this time, it was on my terms…no one else’s.

Alas, I still had bad marks and if they weren’t fixed then I don’t know what I would have done as Apprenticeships weren’t really a thing at the time and I was just desperate to go elsewhere and be able to make decisions for myself, anything would suffice, just get me out of the hell hole! I felt this way back then because everything bad that happened to me was in this place, I could help but hate it but not anymore but I’ll be honest…took me many years to get over it…many of them.

Somehow, I had just good enough marks to be able to apply for a college course in a nearby town and without a moment’s hesitation…I forced my Dad to drive me there so I could fill out an application form! As it wasn’t so far away…about 15 miles, I didn’t think any issue would be brought up as I had gone to a school for special needs in this town many years ago…during happier times in my life and it made me think that maybe a return would help fix things for me.

Could I hack it out going to another town every day? Would I be able to cope on my own was essentially the big question and with many pretty much doubting that I could be capable of such a task was a tad bit depressing, really bringing what little confidence I had left down. Yet in this state of mind, I was desperate to get away from the town where so much misery had happened to me during the last few years, I didn’t have many kinds words to say about it at the time as I just didn’t care about it anymore, the place had slowed me down and robbed me of any chances of aiming for any dreams that I had when it came to college etc It had done nothing but cause me grief, pain and had stripped me of any respect and as far as I was concerned, anywhere would have been better for me to get past my obstacles and have a decent life at least.

September 2006 was a change for me as it felt like the end of one awful chapter and the start of a brand new one where I had more of an impact of how it went and I was determined for things to change for the better but by going to this new place, it already was as no one knew me here, a chance to write the wrongs forced on me…I hoped at least.

Next time in Part 3 I go into dealing with the ordeals of coping in a new environment, meeting new people and whether my past would interfere at all with my future.