Colder Than A Blizzard

”Sometimes, you just sound like you don’t care about my feelings at all… you’re so direct and you ignore my emotions, like you either can’t understand them or you just don’t care! If we were in a middle of a blizzard, I would think you were colder!” 

When you have reached a certain point in your life, say your 25th birthday, for example, a quarter of a life nowadays so you can have a look back at what you have accomplished up to that point, what you have done, what you are proud of and what you perhaps would go back and redo if things didn’t go the way you weren’t satisfied with. Saying that I have thought a lot about where I was about, say 10yrs ago to now and what has changed for the better and one of those things can be how I speak to other people.

Why? Well for a long time in my life, I received many comments from people and to my surprise, many of them were not good and it took me a long time to understand just why that was the case. I like to consider myself to be a rather kind person and today, I am always called that by those who know me…I might have one or two moments where I am not but it was a lot worse back in my childhood apparently.  Now, you might think that when having a talk with someone, you have to mind how you approach certain topics because of people’s feelings and such but back then, I didn’t care at all…if I felt that something needed to be said, I would say it and it would often land me in bother because someone would get upset or angry about it and we wouldn’t speak anymore but I wouldn’t understand that I had done anything bad to them.

If someone asks you a question in confidence about something personal and you just don’t take their feelings into consideration, chances are that you will hurt their feelings badly and it doesn’t look good on you because of the fact that word spreads fast! Yet this was something that plagued me for years and made many people’s thoughts be sour towards me, I was the guy that said horrible things about others, yet unknown to all of them…I had no idea I was even doing it and to this day, I wish I could go back and take back everything…think about what I was saying a little bit more and try one more time! Yet I know that I can’t do that and when I finally realised what I had done, it was too late, the damage was done.

To this day, I hate making people feel bad but in my darker days, I just didn’t care if someone got crossed or cried…probably because I was mad at everything and everyone for my diagnosis. I spent a good 5yrs being negative about everything, yet I feel that this started long before I even knew what Autism was…so many tests to find out what I had, being pulled out of classes and placed into small groups of students with issues, friends abandoning me because they thought I was weird…it all made me mad and overtime, I lost hope that life would be ever good for me so I lost all care as well about others, why care about them if they didn’t care about me, right?

Over time, I became used to the comments and took them on board but it was hard to care because I just couldn’t understand why I would have to lie to someone to just spare their feelings, they’d get over it right? Why was it so hard to learn that words can hurt…I might not have thought it mattered if I went all in and told it like it is but it shows a serious lack of respect that I never took other feelings into consideration! To be called colder than a blizzard, that one actually hurt…I never intended to sound so uncaring and harsh with my words, it was never on purpose or anything but’s still no excuse in my eyes…I’m glad I got a grip one day and slowly began taking my time in conversations and over time, I would get lesser negative comments and eventually some positive ones came along.

From cold as a blizzard to being called a great listener was good for me, I became more confident when it came to talking but once or twice, I have slipped up but nowhere near as bad as I used to.  It took me leaving school at 16 and going to college, where I met the right people to make me better understand what I needed to do. It was luck that I was able to have the right friends and helpers that made me get past that point of understanding and make me the person that I am today but it took so many bad moments to get to the good ones. I don’t know how someone else with Autism deals with conversations, whether they have been called emotionless or like a robot but for me, I can’t stand it because I don’t mean nor want to sound like that at all!

If I took anything away from my experiences in the past, it would be to always think before I speak because words and actions have consequences and if it goes wrong for me, then I only have myself to blame…I never want to be called cold by someone ever again and if I can avoid it then all the better as far as I am concerned. Learn from your mistakes in the past so you can try to avoid making them in the future! Nothing is wrong with making a mistake, we all make them, we are human after all but whether we learn from them or not is another matter.

One For All And All For One

You often hear people say that everyone who has Autism is exactly the same, we all struggle to interact socially with others and gradually can’t cope in society as much as others can, I’ve heard it all far too many times that it’s boring to me now. Honestly, the number of times someone with Autism has to explain that we are all unique and different to one another…If I had a pound (British Currency) every time I’ve had to, I could buy a Villa somewhere really warm! In one ear and out another, probably because many people stop caring the minute they hear the word Autism.

I struggle to speak for long periods of time, I over worry over everything and I can sometimes ay the wrong thing at the wrong time…that one has gotten me into some bother a few times in the past, something I like to think I have moved on from but maybe once every few years, it rears it’s ugly head and reminds me that I can’t escape from it but I will always learn from the mistakes I make. Not the best at making friends, I struggled to keep them for many years…always being used and not realising it, if I could go back and slap some sense into myself, I would! Yet I am an individual with Autism, I am not Autism itself, not everyone else with it won’t be able to exactly relate to me, many will have had a worse time and some will have a better time, this is what should be made clear and perhaps why so many people struggle to understand just what Autism is!

I don’t speak for everyone with Autism because I can’t do so! Many who are Autistic will not be able to relate to me with what I have been through but many will be able to so I can speak for some but for many, their experiences will be far different to what mine are, that’s the way it is and I’m alright with that because I never intend to speak for everyone with Autism, I just like to share my experiences with people, that’s all! The people I know with Autism aren’t the same as me, they act differently in many ways…one of them lets life exhaust him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he locks himself away when he gets tired, I don’t do that…another can’t express his feelings and always acts like everything is alright, whereas I can always talk about my feelings to someone if need be but I’ll admit that I wasn’t always capable of doing this!

What we can relate to is probably making friends as we’ve all struggled before…we all have friends but could all admit that we don’t see them all as much as we probably could do, even avoiding them once or twice if we don’t feel up to a night out. It’s nothing personal if I do that but when your constantly assuming that people speak badly about you, paranoia often takes over for example and you feel down about it all and I’ll often ask if I’ve done something wrong and I’m always wrong and looked into it far too much…it’s just banter and everyone does it but I feel daft for worrying in the first place!

Regardless of what I write here, someone will think I’m talking about them and take it the wrong way…it’s just the day and age we live in…I call it the ‘soft generation’ everyone will get offended far too easily today and it’s sad because all I see is eggshells all over the internet and I constantly step on them! What happened to this world where it’s bad to have an opinion? That’s banned apparently! My Autism and I are how we are, I’m not like some others with it…I never had the struggles of punching others and having to be locked away in a room because others don’t know what to do with me, I just struggled socially and was a very quiet person but I’ve overcome all of that and now work my arse off every day! I still have Autism though, it doesn’t go away but I can still have a decent life…don’t care what anyone who reads this says or thinks if they don’t agree, it’s my life and I know what’s happened in it, all the ups and downs are what I have experienced and if you take something from my words and understand then I thank you but if you can’t, then fair enough, it’s not for everyone to get! Your life might be very different from mine!

Each day can be a struggle when you hope for the best, that your dark days don’t return to haunt you once more…where you had no friends, a wife, a home or anything to speak off…all alone and hating everyone else for it, it wasn’t my fault for closing myself away…it was everyone else’s fault! Was how I used to act and think but nowadays I realise that I also didn’t make much effort to make my life any easier, I could have spoken out and admitted that I needed help but I was stubborn and didn’t want to accept that some of the problems I had gone through for many years was all my fault…I will not blame the Autism for everything because it can only do so much, yet I can do something as well and one day I did…but it took the perfect opportunity to wake up and realise just what was going on and I’ll always feel proud that I did so…I didn’t continue to moan and groan about how unfair life was, I made it change and I will always do so every day and when I speak, I mean to share my stories and my experiences, not say that this is how we all act with Autism, that is never the case!

Autism In The Workplace

Today I talk about Autism and work, now from what I hear and read about this topic is that the two do not click very well or in other words, many people with Autism struggle to get a job, let alone hold one down. I have had a few jobs from being a teenager and have had many different experiences through them all, some good and a few bad and I left a job because I got all too much for me to handle but that was for more than just handling angry customers.

What is it that holds so many people back from getting a paid job when they have Autism? The fear of dealing with people? A lack of understanding from an employer? Maybe it’s both in a way, I mean school was a struggle enough, why would going out into a working place be any different when you won’t know who you are working with? Every article I read, it says that a low per cent of adults with Autism will be able to work a full time job or even live by themselves, especially those with high functioning Autism and it can be a little frustrating to read stuff like this because it isn’t a confidence booster so many years ago, I fell of the wagon and didn’t think like that…I didn’t read the articles stating that everyone with Autism was the same, I didn’t even think about Autism and I got on with my life.

When I moved in with my wife in 2014, I needed to find a job so I took the first job that responded to me and that was a fast food restaurant on the edge of town, it was money and that’s all I was bothered about…at the time. At first, everything was fine and dandy but some of the rules the place had were very stressful and you had to be up and running all day long, you couldn’t slow down for a second and it was very bad for my health, I resorted to Kalm tablets to not lose control and snap because it was slowly bringing me down over time. An example was that you had to not be a pound down in your till or it’s a mark against you and if you got so many, they got rid of you but what they don’t tell you is that while your working and serving customers, another worker might take something from your till…to teach you a lesson! It’s busy as heck and when your focusing on 3 to 5 customers at a time, that’s what they are bothered about! A few of my tills were down and that added to my stress and not to mention the customers who would make you feel small and how they’d brag that they were successful etc You see that a lot in most jobs to be fair though! 

I left that place after a month because I just wasn’t myself anymore, I wasn’t happy at all and people noticed my change in attitude, I just didn’t want to do anything whatsoever so for my health and happiness, I chose to leave and work a little bit closer to home. Working with the public has it’s up and downs but it’s fine most of the time yet you will get the occasional person who tries to ruin your day, mostly because they are already in a bad mood.

I have worked in a cafe before as well and that was on and off as you would occasionally get the angry customer who complained over the slightest detail, I even had one moan because I was Autistic…that was the last time I told someone I thought was friendly that I had it and they moaned because one of their neighbours has it and is always loud and throws things so they assumed I was the same and demanded someone else to serve them…it was humiliating, I’ll admit but I got over it in time but an experience like that can crush confidence because of the lack of understanding with some people can hamper a day and make you want to go home and quit.

Nowadays, I do just fine with a job and mine includes dealing with the general public on a daily basis! That sounds like it would be really tough for someone like me to have to talk to people all day long but to be honest, it’s fine most of the time! In a way, I just stopped letting people get to me and ruin my day, what’s the point of letting one or two people get to you if they think they are above you? I just shrug it off but I used to struggle to get over a comment made by someone, I won’t see them again anyway so why let it get you down? I mean I was once complained about for saying the following to a customer

”I don’t think Donald Trump should be president” – 2016

Now I live in England people! Yet someone got offended by my opinion on anothe countries presidential election…because you can’t have an opinion in this day and age because someone will be offended by it to the point that they have to say something…what a sad world we live in! I don’t remember this in the 90’s, just makes me realise why I’d hate to be labelled a ‘Millennial’ because everyone just moans about them…I can see why! I mean I heard that Britain wanted ‘Pregnant Woman’ to be changed to ‘Pregnant People’ because it is offensive to Transgender people, don’t believe me, look at the blue link by the Guardian the point being is that people get offended by the strangest of things and at work, you tread on egg shells as what to talk about!

Jobs are hard and having to deal with people has ups and downs but it’s not something that I dread anymore…I’m used to it because you will get bad customers but you will also get so many more good customers who brighten your day and make you smile, I mean I’ve had many customers come to me because of my smile or because I make their day and that makes me happy so it’s worth it, I have my regulars and some have even bought me a bottle of champagne before my wedding!

Sounds silly but I just stopped thinking about Autism when I’m in work, I know I’m capable and I don’t need a label to hold me back because it only holds me back via how others react to it, not me personally so I don’t think about it at all and yes I have moments where I come close to a meltdown and I over think everything to the point I’m told not to worry but that’s life, I earn all my victories by myself…in other words, I peeled my label off.

Jobs are hard and can be challenging but if you don’t believe the hype that people with Autism can’t handle very much and you just do your best, then no one can ask any more from you, don’t do anything that you will find damaging for your health, try something that will make you feel comfortable and an environment that will make you happy…preferably one that is good for dealing with people with disabilities but it’s not impossible for someone with Autism to get a job, far from it…don’t let what you have hamper or stop any dreams that you have, after all…it’s all down to you at the end of the day if you let it get to you or not…no one else is responsible for that so don’t let it stop you, let it encourage you and push you forward in this world, let it make you happy!

The Experiences Of Mrs Stump

Mrs Stump works in a local supermarket because he needs money to live….Mrs Stump however has a habit where he will say something controversial at the most inappropriate of moments

Let’s say it’s a Monday morning and it’s rather busy as the store only has five open tills and the queues are long. Mrs Stump is trying his best to put on a smile and be positive but at every turn, events seem to get in the way and test this. Here are some of his lovely customers who I am sure will all be kind, patient and understanding!

Let us begin with two customers who arrive at the same time, Mr Stump assumes that they are together, Mrs Stump should ask though but her mind goes off with an important topic.

Mrs Stump: I’m just saying…Brexit is a stupid idea…I voted remain and would do so again…to not isolate ourselves from our European cousins is horrendous and could make or break the next couple of generations….what right do we have to make that decision for them, do we leave them a mess to clean up or a proper united continent that is stable and safe for us all.

Customer 1: Could you serve me please?

(Mrs Stump begins to scan items)

Mrs Stump: Do you have your points card

(The second customer hands over a points card, Mr Stump scans it assuming they are together, the first customer sees this)

Mrs Stump: Are you two together?

Customer 1: No…I couldn’t afford mine and her shopping

(Mrs Stump finishes scanning the items and rounds up the total, the first customer hands over a points card) 

Mrs Stump: Then why did she hand over her card to me when I was serving you?

Customer 1: Do you know what your doing?

Mrs Stump: Do you?

Customer 1: Excuse me?

Mrs Stump: Well you clearly watched her hand me a points card and said nothing about it, now your biting my head off because I can’t scan yours….what did you expect would happen?

(The purchase is complete but Mrs Stump is unable to take off the other customer’s points card)

Mrs Stump: Have a good day sir!

(Customer 1 leaves. Customer 2 hands over points card like nothing had happened, a bit grumpy)

Mrs Stump: What just happened?

***

Later in the day, Mrs Stump begins to think that her day can get better when a customer on her phone comes onto her till. She immediately begins to roll her eyes at how this could turn out.

Customer: Hello

Mrs Stump: Good Afternoon, would you like any bags?

(Customer says nothing)

Mrs Stump scans the small shop and rounds up the total.

Mrs Stump: And that will be 42 quid please, would you like any bags?

Customer: Cash card please

Mrs Stump: Excuse me?

Customer: Cash card…please

Mrs Stump: Would you like to purchase a cash card?

Customer: CASH CARD! CASH CARD! CASH CARD!

(Customer points to debit card)

Mrs Stump: Ok, calm down…why didn’t you say so.

Customer rolls eyes, pays and leaves. Mrs Stump mimics her face as she leaves.

Mrs Stump: Seriously, what is today?

Mrs Stump was a little agitated by the day she was having, she had apparently been receiving all the grumpy customers that had nothing better to do than make life hard for someone trying to earn a living. The thought of her naughty customers made her roll her eyes that it really did not take much to agitate some people.

Mrs Stump: It’s like some people come into a supermarket with a superiority complex, just to make people who work here miserable or something, like they have nothing better to do and this makes them feel good or something, kind of pathetic really!

After lunch, Mrs Stump felt more confident and was ready to put the start behind her and finish off strong! She had many nice customers throughout the day but this was to be short lived as a rather large angry looking man came onto her till.

Mrs Stump: Hel-

Customer: God, don’t you know how to greet a customer?

Mrs Stump was taken aback by this, she hadn’t even said a whole word and was already been shouted at, this was a new record.

Mrs Stump:…Hello sir

Customer: Hurry up, my time’s more important than yours.

Mrs Stump: (under her breath) True…McDonald’s is just down the street

Customer: Did you say something, speak up!

Mrs Stump: Do you need any help packing?

Customer: No…I can do a better job than you anyway!

Mrs Stump begins to scan items but as she is doing so, she can hear groans from the customer as he mutters under his breath .

Mrs Stump: Is everything alright sir

Customer: YOU JUST CAN’T THE PROPER HELP AROUND HERE!

Mrs Stump remains silent as she finishes scanning items and rounds up the total.

Mrs Stump: 62.80

Customer: Why is it so expensive?

Mrs Stump: Well you did buy 3 bottles of whisky and a brand new DVD

Customer: Your so useless, retard!

***

Boss: Mr Stump, you have received a complaint!

Mrs Stump: Really, what for?

Boss: We were told by a rather angry customer that you didn’t help them pack their bags, is this true?

Mrs Stump: I’ve had so many customers in the last half an hour, I might have forgotten to ask every single customer that question, I apologize!

Boss: The customer had a bad arm

Mrs Stump: Was it broken?

Boss: Yes.

Mrs Stump: Oh, I remember them, I asked her if she would like help and she never responded….not to mention that she had her husband with her so I thought he was going to help her.

Boss: Did you offer help?

Mrs Stump: Yes…I think but the husband could have done something.

Boss: That’s not for you to think

Mrs Stump: If he was behind this counter, he’d be in f****** trouble

Boss: Also, they complained that you said Donald Trump shouldn’t be the President of the United States.

Mrs Stump: Bloody hell!

You’ll get them next time Mrs Stump, you’ll get them next time!

To Ride The Last Overcrowded Train

The last train of the night…what an experience to go through, one that I have never previously done until last night! Why did i do it? Well it was either catch this train or pay a lot of money for a 40 mile taxi ride home…I’ll happily become a sardine in a small tin instead! That’s what it’s always like, because do you really think your the only one catching that train home? Nope, you…your friends, their friends and half of the village across the road are thinking the same thing!  The train is packed to the rafters! It’s insane and even as the train leaves, you see people still on the platforms who couldn’t get on the train! Your not sure how to feel because that was the last train of the night, the next one is in like 8 hours…how does this kind of thing happen on a daily basis! Since when human beings treat like cattle on transportation?!

The train moving at speed you would think is good but it isn’t because loads of people aren’t holding on to something and as the train goes around sharp corners, someone will always trip or step back and like a set of dominoes, one by one…people will go backwards and it just causes chaos because someone always has to have a rant on a train about ow rude people are for not giving them more space! I got kicked at the back of my heel by someone as a train went around the corner…he said sorry but damn it hurt!

You try to remind yourself that it isn’t forever, people will get off at stations and things will calm down but when you get to the stations, it’s a stampede for people trying to get off, they’ll shout for everyone to magically move out of there way because they are coming through! It’s funny when you see the real side of the Human Race at the strangest of times, the whole point of getting a train is to be transported from point A to B but to get squashed, abused…basically , you feel like this

A sardine in a small can, pushed up against people you don’t know and it can feel…strange…weird in fact because this isn’t what you imagined when you paid the ridiculous ticket price just to get on the train in the first place! Maybe people get drunk so they don’t have to think about it so much? Who knows but it might be a good distraction to the horror of British Transportation! Board the last train of the night, a mad rush for a seat…the evil stare you get from the people you beat to it! The occasional shout for people to move down the carriage…no one ever does…the sarcastic remarks! The cheers from people drinking! strangers asking to sit on your laps…for some reason…the occasional scrap!

And you always get the same kind of people on each train! No matter what day it is, they will be there and you’ll see the same things all the time, such as

• Being asked to move down the train, even though there is no space left! Yet people moan as if its your fault the train is packed if you can’t move! No matter how many times you tell people that you can’t move any further down the train, they won’t have it…you’ll get called every name under the sun by someone in the massive crowd behind you…because you can’t bulldoze past the crowd in front of you and make space!
• Drunk people who have had a night out, yet are still drinking on the train and they feel the need to include you in their party, yet get grouchy and judgmental if you refuse
• People asking to sit on other people’s knees so they don’t have to stand up- Ever had anyone ask to sit on your lap on a train journey before? I saw an elderly man ask a young woman if he could sit on her lap on the train home and she looked so creeped out and refused but he kept trying to sweet talk her until she gave in and just gave him the seat! note that he wasn’t asking politely, he was being forceful about it!

If your ever in this situation, you got to ask yourself the question…why couldn’t I have just caught the train before! Also, for the price I pay for a ticket…I at least expect to be somewhat comfortable on the train for an hour journey…I’ll take standing up if I’m not being shoved into a crowd of people every minute the train speeds up! Not a moan or a rant…it’s funny just how it’s an experience that has you go through so many strange things in a short amount of time…you feel somewhat changed when you depart the train, everyone always has some sort of story to tell someone else the day after! Regardless of how annoying, disgusting, overcrowding this journey can be…it’s never boring!

My Upcoming Story About Autism

I’m going to write a story and it’s main character is going to have Autism! I feel like since I have Autism, I can get some aspects out of it into a character but not all as we know that everyone with Autism is different in their own way! Not every single aspect will be covered! I’ll get that out of the way now!  Why am I doing this? Because I’ve always wanted to give something like this a go to be honest and I think this one will just be for fun and I’ll see where it goes really because I think it will be fun to spend time writing various chapters and whatnot as the story progresses. I mean I think it can be good to write a story like this, not to just get what Autism is out there but that characters can be created, admired and loved by many, despite of what they have or don’t have.

From various experiences throughout my life and others I have read, heard or seen, mixed in with a little bit of fantasy as well because many stories are more fun that way, I think that it could be quite good and fun to read because it will get a little bit silly along the way but that’s ok because a story is meant to make you feel a whole load of emotions, to make you want to see what happens next as we follow the stories of the characters along the way.

I guess my goal in this little project is to have fun and make it all the way to the end, becoming better than I was when I began and to learn a bit along the way as well, I haven’t decided on a name as of yet but I know what the story will be about and up to a point what will happen but it should cover important points that are related to Autism such as

• Friendship
• The Way Of Thinking
• Socializing
• Confidence
• Emotions

Their are others but I could be here a while…Anyway, this story could go on for quite a while as the characters go through various situations from the start to get to there main objective by the end of the story, perhaps not all will make it to the end or maybe they will, who knows…I’m not giving anything about the plot away…no writer does that 😉 And no one likes spoilers anyway but I want to make it fun, climatic and keep people guessing what will happen next.

I’m excited to do this really, it’s a project that I can spend time on and have fun with and whatever happens with it, I’ll have enjoyed it regardless and will be happy that I at least gave it a go in the first place, even if it sucks! Always feel free to let me know what you think about it.

Each post should be a new chapter, probably 2,000 words a post I’m aiming for really but it could be more or it could be less, depends what’s happening in each chapter to whether I can keep it at that mark every single time because I can go on and on in this situation when I’m trying to describe something.

Chapter One will be out soon…once I’ve actually written it and had it looked at….have fun.