Autism- Anti Social At Social Events

Welcome, today I go into always feeling anti social during social events… with my Autism, it’s automatic people! Turns itself on when I go out and see friends or when I’m at work etc It can make me feel like no one will be interested in anything I say or do…it’s true that some days are dark and lonely because of this but quite a lot, it’s all down to me because I discovered that a lot of the time, it was in fact myself that made me feel that way by casting doubt into my own mind and heart.  I’ll talk about a few moments from my past and pretty much say how I started off really bad at making friends but as I get older, I slowly begin to get better at it and why I think that is the case.

Making friends, creating memories together and going to places to meet other people, all things that we go through during our life times or in most cases at least but sometimes, that doesn’t happen for everyone, many unheard voices go through life without having ever made a single friend…sounds very unlikely when you consider the amount of people we have on this planet but it does happen! Moments in your life where you have to socialise with other people can be scary…I’ve found many moments during my life to be terrifying and most of them have been so because I didn’t do very well and would stand in a corner by myself, wishing I could just go home, wondering why I even bothered in the first place.

Despite all of my failures in being social as a child, I have had friends come and go throughout my life, up to the point that I have my lifetime friends by my side always and I know I can always have a good time with them and I feel happy around them, even having one of them as my best man and some of my other close friends as groomsmen which made me feel really happy as I never thought I would even have a friend to ask but I ended up with 4 groomsmen. I feel fortunate that I have the good friends that I have because at one point, I convinced myself that it would never happen!

It sounds like I don’t have any issues being social and truth be told, I don’t…however, it hasn’t always been that way because as I said earlier on, I struggled greatly as a child to make friends and be social…in fact when I think about it, I struggled more before I was diagnosed with Autism then afterwards…well a few years after my diagnosis I got better at it!

I started off not so bad as I had friends at my special needs school but once I left that place, I struggled to make decent friends with many people in school and often spend my times being ridiculed and alone. Not happy days for me and I didn’t even know I had Autism at this stage in my life but I had an idea that something was up as I would always do things without thinking about consequences, whether I was upsetting anyone or not…such thoughts never entered my head and was probably why my childhood wasn’t as good as it probably could have been if I was more aware of what I had at an earlier age, who knows but what happened, happened and it left me feeling negative and not wanting to go near anyone for a very long time.

Going to college though was a huge help for me as it gave a fresh new start after being a disaster at school that left a bad taste in my mouth and made me distrustful of people altogether. You would think that things would only get worse from here because of how I felt, I had pretty much given up on ever making a true friend but I was very wrong! It didn’t take long at all for me to be nice and include me in things…no time at all and that made me wonder just why school went so wrong…had I gotten lucky or something?

Throughout the next 5 years, I would make friends with many people on my courses and my confidence would continue to grow each time, up to the point that I was mostly able to forget all of the hard times in school and accept that I was just with some bad and stupid eggs that I was better away from! However, from time to time I would find myself experiencing meltdowns at awkward times and feel down that people would like me anymore because I was being weird…I began to feel down again but my friends would always bring me back and help me up…no one had ever done that before and it was an eye opener, not everyone is bad, if you can find the right people which are everywhere…anyone can make a friend! My confidence was that high, I even got a girlfriend who’s now my wife!

Eventually, I decided to take the next step, move away from home and go to University was I was terrified off as I had never lived by myself and so far away from home before, I’ll never forget that first moment once my parents drove away after dropping me off and It all clicked, I was on my own now and it was scary…I wasn’t sure if I could make the most of it all or would I crack and want to go home! That first night, I met some of my flatmates and we agreed to go to another flat for a meet and greet drinking party…I was nervous but reluctantly went along, even though I wanted to run into my room and lock the door.

I stepped into the flat kitchen later on with my flat mates and all I saw in the place was a big group of students huddled into the reasonable space which was a decent size kitchen but it contained more than 10 people! So it was a tad bit cramped which I’ll admit was my first issue with the evening, I sometimes feel scared in tight spaces…maybe I’m claustrophobic? Everyone was already drunk and playing drinking games on the counter tops and it amazed me how quick some people can make friends when they have only just met when it can take me weeks or months to feel comfortable around just one person, let alone a whole room!

I shortly made my excuses and went back to my dorm room, feeling sorry for myself but to my surprise…my roommates were…proud of me! They were happy that I at least gave going out a go and that really made things better for me, no one was disappointed or thought that I was being weird…they said we’d try again and take it step by step, I felt like at that moment, I had gone full circle…from the first time I ever went to a social event at a club in my hometown as a child, being all alone and feeling bad about it, as an adult…I was praised for at least trying, no pressure was on me and I would eventually get the hang of it, that speaks volumes for me.

I’ve had ups and downs throughout my life…I’ve liked to play it safe at times because I was to scared to take that next step for whatever reason, like how I stayed in dorms for my entire time in University because I was to scared to ask anyone if I could move in with them, it was an experience as some were good and some were really annoying but that’s life, an experience! Not everyone I met was nice but the difference here was I knew that, as a child…I was naive and didn’t see that in people…it led me to being bullied because of it yet I feel like it opened my eyes and prepared me for times like this…life is an experience, we choose whether we listen to it’s lessons or not.

I have good friends, a wife, family and I can go somewhere and have a good time….just maybe not all the time!

Have You Gone A Day Without Talking?

Have you ever gone an entire day without talking to a single individual before? A whole 24 hours without saying one word? It sounds unlikely because it’s such a long time to go by and unless your in the middle of a desert or stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere, it sounds like something that just wouldn’t happen…yet it does, often!

I remember once spending one entire day in my dorm flat and didn’t speak to anyone all day! I laid in bed, did some work and played computer games all day, I never stepped outside and what was that like? It was strange because the day dragged on, I felt alone and it was a little bit depressing because it had never happened before since the day I first uttered a word on this planet. To not say a single word for so long…you can feel really invisible to the world, like you don’t matter yet you only have to go outside that door and speak to someone, make a phone call and it all goes away but sometimes, you just can’t find the strength to do so! It can happen to the best of us sometimes, no one is perfect, no matter how many friends you have.

To be fair, on that day I was very busy with a big project in University so I was often by myself as it was writing a script so it takes me away from society for long periods of time, I was often up til 3am every night at the University’s library!  Before I continue, I’ll say that I do have friends, family and a wife so I’m not a lonely individual but I have known many who still are today and many assume because I have Autism that I am quite lonely, that one always makes me smile! Most people can’t even tell I have Autism….unless I ever told them so I wonder why I should ever bother worrying about it if no one can ever see it.

Have you ever been in a room full of people yet felt completely alone and isolated? If your someone who prefers to be alone anyway then this wouldn’t really matter to you, you can continue sitting their and have yourself a good day but if your someone who strives to make friends or already have them, a situation might have happened in your life where you can go quite a while without speaking to anyone at all. One example of this can be in a classroom wherever you be at school, college or university, you might wonder why you were so quiet and why you never spoke to anyone.

I have had this happen many times! It’s a weird situation because you feel that since you have so many people around you that you’ll surely end up talking to somebody! Yet it doesn’t always work out like that, I can honestly say that at least once I have sat in a massive group of people and not said a single word! I’ll admit that I could have made an effort to start a conversation but haven’t you always wondered if someone would come up and want to speak to you? You ask if something is wrong with you, have you done something to deserve it or something….chances are it’s all in your head and your negative thoughts are just adding fuel to the fire but it’s better to try and start a conversation and be shot down then sit their in silence and give the wrong message to everyone around you.

I have given it a try for an experiment once, to sit there and not speak to anymore and see what happens and I can say that sometimes, someone will start a conversation with you and sometimes they won’t and it’s strange to feel invisible in an ocean of people, like I’m a ghost and don’t exist but often wonder why that is? Maybe I look unapproachable, maybe I should bring a mirror with me at all time so I can see what I look like when I’m sat down.

Because of my Autism though, I may tend to overthink this topic and always assume I’m doing everything wrong without actually trying something new because my brain will tell me to not even attempt and it’s hard to turn it off! It doesn’t have an off switch, how I wish it did! I might feel a little bit braver in this area if I could go in without any negative thoughts to start off with. It can be hard if other people around me have no idea that I am unlikely to start a conversation with them because I’m to scared to, chances are they will assume I have no interest in speaking with them or that I don’t like them or something…how wrong that is but I would have to be beyond happy to be able to ever tell them that without any help.

I recall certain times where I would be in a rehearsal room with the entire year inside of it and everyone is chatting away in their groups yet sometimes I felt isolated because of my lack of ability to connect with people at such at rate that is deemed normal by society, seriously, they say groups of friends are made by the end of the first term! I never really understood that at all as you should be able to make friends at any time during your education…things shouldn’t be set in stone after a month or so! I know this isn’t completely true in all cases but for some, they make friends in term one and that’s all they need, everyone else is basically an acquaintance or someone you just say hi to every now and then.

Always remember that it takes two to tango so it takes two people to have a conversation…sometimes it has to be you to start procedures which isn’t always the easiest thing to do, it can be nerve wrecking for many to do that, approach someone and introduce yourself to them, fearing rejection and humiliation in the process. You only have one life, might as well make a noise and be noticed!

Day 15- Where Will I Be in 5 yrs

  
Where will I be in 5 years time? That’s tricky because the future isn’t something that can be defined and pinned down but where I think I would like to be in 5 years time? Well married is a must, considering I’m getting married this August! 

Another is to become a Father! We have talked about becoming parents for quite some time now! We both really want to be parents someday and the way we talk, we could have a child or two within the next five years! We want to wait until we are both ready though! We almost are…we will have been together 6 years this November and know each other inside and out! 

So to be married and have our own family, maybe even a puppy as well and to be able to drive! All of that is what I wish to have accomplished in 5 years time! Most important though, to be happy! 

Next time on Day 16 I have to give my thoughts on Education, Sounds Fun!

Have a good day!

Autism and Life Choices

With my Autism, I think it’s not really anything that stops my life from unlike anyone else’s really…not for a long time have I ever felt like I can’t go outside and do something amazing…or thought my Autism would get in the way of anything…more likely it was other people who thought my Autism limited my options in life…for many years, other people would decide what I would do, what course of action I would take and what school I should go to…never my choice and I always hated that…well once I understood what was actually going on! When I was younger, I was somewhat naive but over the years, I’ve gotten quite wise and know when someone is looking down on me!

So what is a nuisance to me anyway (I can’t speak for others with Autism in this instance)  is that having others decide what’s best for me! I mean, don’t I get a say…I could still talk and think when I was younger…how did you know I even wanted to leave that school or do that course…I wasn’t allowed to do that many GCSE’S at school because of my Autism…only 3 really…just Maths, Science and English….I felt like it was unfair because they felt I wouldn’t be able to handle it…being in a big group of people…I’m so glad stuff like that doesn’t happen to me anymore…enough living in the past though…it doesn’t hold me down anymore…I left that behind and locked it deep away many years ago…those people had no idea what to do with me and I proved them all wrong!

One thing that also bothered me was I was so busy learning just what Autism was…I had no time to think about what career I wanted in life…I didn’t grow up wishing I could be an Astronaut or a Fireman…I was too busy wondering why I slammed my head against the wall in my sleep! it wasn’t until college that I could think about it and I know it’s never too late but with grades and what not…it’s awkward to suddenly start after your GCSE’S are over…thank goodness I resat them but it still took up a year…which actually might have been a good thing because if I did Drama one year earlier which I actually had the option to do, I might not have met my fiance…so who knows…however, the show must go on!

What I would have liked though was more of a say when I was younger, an option to have a say on where I wanted my life to go…not others telling me I had no hope at all…it doesn’t do me any favors being told that…I had to find a great set of people at college that made me see that I can do what anyone else does just as well, if I put my mind to it, I can do anything…perhaps that’s why I want more people to have more of an understanding about Autism…so others don’t go through what I did…so others can have a say on what they want to do with their lives…to be able to at least have a chance at following their dreams…to not have immense pressure to find friends just because you read somewhere that people with Autism struggle to socialize!

That’s it…I know what my mission is…I want more people in this world to understand what Autism is because frankly, it sucks when people around you don’t have a clue what it is and they scratch their heads, thinking your some kind of weirdo! I mean as a kid, if others had no idea, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! it wasn’t fun and I don’t want others to grow up where no one doesn’t know what Autism is and if it’s contagious…how is it that we are in 2015 and Autism is still not confidently known by the majority? It blows my mind that I still get asked just what it is and then be told that it doesn’t sound real…why is it so hard to believe…I’m lazy for not wanting friends…yeah because…I totally loved that growing up…(rolls eyes) When I have a child and they have Autism, I won’t put them through anything that I went through.

People who accuse others of faking Autism need a reality check…maybe more of an understanding to what Autism actually is…if  I could go about every night and go clubbing for example, then ok but I don’t want to all the time, only when I feel comfortable to do that…that’s how I am and I won’t change for anyone…I doubt I could ‘change’ anyway…Autism is permanent! it might always be there but that doesn’t mean it will always hold you down, you can counter it and minimize its effects! It took me so long to not overreact to everything, socialize a bit more each time and reduce meltdowns to only a couple a year and I will always keep working at it…I’m determined!

Asperwhat23?! Forgetting I Have Autism?!

This is a short one, I am very tired tonight…long day and all but when you wake up and do whatever your morning routine is…mine was getting up at half 4 for work today…do you regularly remember that you have Autism or have you ever had a day, week or even month where you have forgotten that you even have Autism? I think I once went…3 months and on e day I just randomly remembered ‘Oh yeah..I have Autism’ I must have been really busy doing University Work to forget all about it but it dawned on me…do I regularly think…My Autism prevents me from doing this and that….it holds me back…Autism this…Autism that to one day randomly forgetting about it…it was strange but it made me think about when I do ever think about my Autism…is it always a negative thought?

Well…it was weird for me to suddenly have to remember but is it because no one really ever notices that I have Autism and in an environment where no one really knows…is it possible that I stop thinking about it altogether for a bit? When I’m at home…I guess I think about it a lot more….history and all that because well…it’s where I grew up learning how to cope with it and all that but when I’m at University, Work etc I don’t really ever have any thoughts about it to be honest…I try to not worry about things because it’s worrying that I might think ‘It’s because of my Autism’ I used to do that a lot when I was younger but it’s a rare occurrence nowadays, to the point that I’ll forget so…is it when I’m in an environment that I’m reminded by others about my Autism that I think about it because here’s a pointer…before I was diagnosed….no one ever treated me differently really and life was fine…yet when I was diagnosed…constant thoughts about being able to do things and things changed but then I went to college and university yet barely anyone knew I had Autism and things…were better…weirdly, I’m not saying that it’s better…just something I noticed…when I don’t mention my Autism or be around people who know…things are as complicated and I’m more relaxed but why is that?

I have no idea to be honest, it’s just something that I was thinking about today…do I feel more pressured when I know that people know about my Autism and that causes me to worry too much…when I was growing up and went to school, I got diagnosed and it was horrible because it was all that was on my mind for years…made me depressed and no confidence at all, it bothered me because I was obsessed with what people thought of me yet today…if people, know I don’t care any more…why should I but I do notice that I think about it a lot more yet if nothings mentioned for a while or I’m around people who don’t know I have Autism….I can sometimes even forget I have Autism…I’m less stressed, don’t worry as much etc So this might just be for me but if my Autism isn’t actually mentioned at all and no one tries to treat my specially…I do better, less stressed and more confident, I mean that would explain why I did better once I turned 16 and went to college because barely any one knew about my Autism and I was in charge of my destiny so my confidence grew…was it all because I didn’t really have to think about my Autism as much? Did that help?

Weirdly, for me anyway…not having special treatment helped me grow and get more confident…I hated having any helper…I wanted to do things for myself and well…was always so happy when I could do so…probably because I was told I was unable to do so many things, I was delighted when I found out that I could….but to get to the point that I can forget I even have Autism sometimes…no idea if that’s good or not…my Autism doesn’t stop me from doing things as much as it once did but every now and then, it can pop up and remind me it’s there and sometimes…I am glad of it because at the end of the day…it’s a part of me and it always will be.

Asperwhat20?! A Vlog Attempt

This is my first attempt at a Vlog, which is apparently a video version of a blog where you talk instead of type! Well I fancied a different attempt at blogging and Vlogging looked fun so I gave it a go, threw a short video together and posted it so I hope you give it a watch and enjoy…it’s pretty much an explanation of what I want to do with my blogs but I think I am a little nervous so I apologize if I am.

Hope you Enjoy and let me know what you think and if you want, Subscribe to my YouTube page as well

Keep on Smiling

Asperwhat17?! Feeling Accepted

Hello Internet, This Is your DailyPickMeUp! And today’s blog regarding Autism is feeling accepted by others and what I mean by this is, well…when you were diagnosed, how long was it that you felt accepted by others? Say family, friends or the general public if we want to stretch it that far out. The feeling that nothing has changed is important I think because a diagnosis can change everything I find…to be told you have something that will never go away, how could it not? Of course Autism isn’t visible on the outside or anything but it’s still affects so many people who perhaps worry that others will not understand what they have or why they act the way that they do.

I know that I worried about being accepted by everyone…it was such a big worry for me to be honest, I mean I had just been told when I was a teenager, after so many years of tests and wondering to find out what was ”wrong” with me to be told that I had Aspergers Syndrome and that I couldn’t really do anything about it, I had to put up with it and accept it…pretty much the words the Doctors told me!  So yeah, I panicked a little and sunk into a depression, I thought I was a freak for a few years! I understood everything that I had done and it sucked because I wasn’t sure if I could do anything about it, was my life over before i turned 18?

Well no…a bit melodramatic, I know but that’s just how I felt back then! I felt like I had no hope at all and it was made worse because I felt that no one would accept me, not necessarily because they didn’t want to but because they didn’t know how to, I mean I wasn’t the easiest person to persuade of anything. It can be hard sometimes because from time to time, it’s almost impossible to assure me of anything without me worrying! So I can’t imagine how hard it was for my parents to convince me that having Autism wasn’t the worst thing in the world! That is if they even really understood what it actually was or they were just pretending to make me feel better, I don’t know.  I felt that the only person that could help me…was me, I came to a conclusion that I was the only one who really understood me…my actions, thoughts and why I worried so much…no one else really ”got it” so made things awkward so I relied on myself to ”better” myself confidence wise.

It took a long time for me to feel accepted by anyone else really, I kept myself away, well not literally but I didn’t see myself on the same level as anyone else for a few years, I was at the bottom of the barrel and I didn’t want to climb out of it until I was ready! What did it take for me to finally feel accepted by the rest of the world? Well I guess it would be when I ventured out of my home town and went to college, meeting all kinds of new people who helped me change my views of people, made me realize that I had no need to hide away and I gradually accepted that I had Autism but that was ok because I could do something about it and day by day, I learnt how to cope, what to do if I needed to calm down…learn to think before I act and to make friends…I achieved all of these things because I couldn’t stand isolating myself any longer…I didn’t want to feel like I was an Alien!

I often compare the moment I was diagnosed with Aspergers a bad one , it felt like I was unmasked, for the world to see who I really was for the first time and I hated every moment of it and I often compare that day to this video clip, my feelings are exactly the same as the wrestler as he implodes in rage

I like it because it matches the rage I felt, the sudden feeling of change that came about me as I was exposed, no more wondering or secrets about me, it was all out to be seen by all and I didn’t like that one bit!

So there you go, Feeling Accepted when you have been diagnosed…but what I learnt that the most important thing to do in this situation is accept yourself before anyone else truly can…be able to see that not much has to change, just because you may have Autism…a good life is still ahead of you, if you want it…you have to believe that you can have one, that your Autism won’t hold you back if you don’t let it…that’s what I learnt growing up and it helped me so much to come out of the darkness and into the light. So I could grow to understand more about what I had even more, I still don’t know everything about Autism and I’m learning new things all the time so I hope I haven’t offended anyone with Autism in this blog…they are just my opinions about how to cope with being accepted so I apologize if you felt offended by it.

Ok guys, thanks for reading and I’ll be back with more soon

Keep on smiling 🙂

Asperwhat11?! Having Friends

Hi everyone, this blog today is about well…friendship because well, I think it’s one of the most talked about things when it comes to having Autism…can they make friends bla bla bla…you’ve probably heard this so many times if you have Aspergers or if you know someone with it. Socializing is a factor that can’t be ignored because it’s pretty much the biggest mountain to conquer when it comes to Autism. I know all about it because I’ve struggled with it on and off for many years now, it’s been extremely difficult or it really was when I was much younger, I could make friends but had no idea how to maintain friendships  and because of that, I would often end up losing friends as I grew up and this would pretty much last until I was around 17 really but up to that point, life just felt..pointless a little bit because I just didn’t understand what it meant to hold onto a friend…well except one but apart from that…life felt empty

School was the worst and that’s where many people develop friendships that can last a lifetime but not for me…well towards the last few years anyway but at the start, everything was fine, I had friends and never had to worry much about feelings, emotions or upsetting anyone! however after the age of 10, everyone else began to change somewhat and I stayed the same immature self that wasn’t understanding these changes, that would come much later and because of this, my so-called friends decided that I wasn’t worth their time and they abandoned me like a master driving out into the middle of nowhere and throwing his loyal dog out of the car and driving away, giving his faithful companion no hope of finding his way back, that’s how it felt for me as for more than five years, I wandered pretty much alone…that’s probably about the time that I felt more like an alien than a human.

If you have ever gone through a time in your life where you didn’t have any friends in School then you may be able to understand what it really feels like having to go everyday, knowing that no one will ever talk to you, unless they mock you with a nickname or just try to make you feel lousy…because you don’t understand simple things like jokes, emotions and if anyone is being serious or not…they think your weird because your always serious and if you do something daft, you lack the understanding of the seriousness of the situation…if you did…you’d stop doing it but you can’t because you just don’t understand, it’s not your fault but nothing can be done about it. It’s like being in the void of space, you’re the only one there and no one can hear you or see you! It took me a long time to get over having no friends and for the rest of my school life…I was alone.

Come around 16 and I finish school with not very good GCSES I decided to head off to College, well it was really because of my Dad that I went in the first place! I went home after collecting my marks and said that I wanted to sign up for a course at College…I just couldn’t sit at home and do nothing in that town anymore…it had caused me enough pain and I wanted to get away from it for a while and try somewhere new! So he drove me down to Skipton and I signed up for a course and that was that…a new chapter in my life was about to begin but because I had suffered for so long in School, I had zero confidence in making friends and was terrified that I would just go another year by myself however I was very wrong because the group I was in was very friendly! they accepted me straight away and the year was fantastic, I went to a birthday party for the first time in years, I was going on days out and talking to them every day! It was great because things felt like they were changing for the better but I then became afraid that things would just end up like last time and I would just end up all alone again.

It would only get better though after that as I decided to resit my GCSES and along the way, I made more friends and even began to like girls again, not that I ever asked them out ha ha, I didn’t want to push my luck but my confidence was slowly coming back to me! it was during this year that I decided to do Drama but here’s the funny thing…I only decided to do Drama GCSE because a girl I liked at the time was going to do it…true story but I then realised that I really like performing but weirdly, It was the best decision of my life because the next year, I would begin to make friends that would become more than friends, so much that they now are my groomsmen and best man at my wedding next year because I also met the love of my life, my soul mate on that course and that showed me that life really does have a way of working itself out. I would spent 3 years doing Drama with these people and we would go through so much during that time that I would say that those 3 years meant more to me than the 3 years I spent at University! it was those 3 years that saved my life, that made me see that life was definitely worth it. Moving away from that small town made it worth it, I can be a normal person anywhere else except there I used to tell myself, I hold no grudges to that place because I grew up there and it’s where my life began but those few years away from it were the best because I met people, real people and they look past my Autism and see me as a person and it’s the best feeling in the world, I just feel like it’s a shame not many could before hand but never mind that, the past is the past…all I’m focused on is the now and the future.

Regretful Thoughts Of One’s Past

I write this blog tonight to discuss some…regrets I feel hold me back yet I let them but why would I do such a thing? maybe because I will feel better about them or something? maybe it’s good to vent sometimes and feel like you can move on once you have, silly really but never mind, we all have at least one regret in this life, small, big or not that big a deal but still a regret?

For the old man who’s bald shiny head I threw up on during the Oblivion Roller coaster ride at Alton Towers…I’m sorry, my bad and all but I was so starving and I had just had a double cheeseburger before I got on the ride….I honestly thought I could go on the ride and everything would be fine, I was wrong. I didn’t mean to ruin that nice shirt of yours or run away and avoid your detection afterwards, I could hear the anger in your voice as you searched for me but were unable to find me, I bet your ride back home was a bad one to say the least, your family probably wondered who on earth had done that to you, well we all make mistakes, mine was to have that burger, your was to go on the ride when I did but you weren’t to know. I would apologize if I could you know but it was a long time ago, still doesn’t mean that I don’t regret it.

Another regret would have to be to the countless stories that I have started but left behind because I either lost interest in them or I hit a massive road block that I couldn’t overcome and just left it behind, I wished I had the strength to not give in to them so easily and just move on from them like I have done in the past. A story is like a friend and I left them behind and that makes me feel bad deep down, I’ll make it an aim for the future to not leave a friend behind ever again. No story to be left unfinished, not if I can have a say in it!

Finally, I regret never coming out of my shell as much as I’d have liked to at University, I had more to offer but didn’t believe in myself enough to bring it all out when i had the chance to, although I got the marks I wanted to, I didn’t make it easy for myself, not one bit…was still fun and all but I wasn’t the most approachable person I don’t think, even though I wanted to be….badly but maybe that was the problem, perhaps I tried too hard and it backfired? who knows, what’s done is done now and it’s time for the future and a whole bunch of new adventures, chances to not have regrets yet it may be because you have regrets from the past that make you stronger in the future? University was great, don’t get me wrong, quite the challenge to go somewhere where their are thousands of people about your age in one small area for three years, doing essays, assignments all night and so on, I’d do it all over again if I had the chance.

An Alien At University: Part 5- A Painful End

It was snowy and cold at this time of year but nearly Christmas and We had to make a video and I honestly can say to this day…was the worst thing I have ever gone near in all of my life, the most painful thing I endured, because it was so terrible and badly done, you could cry. It was so bad in the end, it was kind of good…well it got some laughs and claps but the grade wasn’t all that, it was just a pass but it was nearly Christmas so I let it go, I was just glad that it was all over. Don’t get me wrong, the people in my group for the project, lovely as anything…they weren’t a problem…the problem was the…script and the way that things were chosen to be done in the end, that and we lost one of the group members due to him damaging his knee earlier on in the term. There was one film clip that we did where I collapse and die but as I fell, I went back to far and my head smashed on the wall, and I almost passed out on the floor (unfortunately, I accidentally deleted this clip after the editing process, shame…could have sent it into You’ve Been Framed) darn but oh well! staying up late at night overlooking clips, seeing what was ok and what could just go…which quite often was most of it…I often wanted to tear out lumps of my own hair and this was only a Year One piece of work…all I needed to do was pass but still…it mattered to me.

Anyway, it was December, the end of the first term was in sight, only problem for me was that I suddenly was told that I needed surgery (I won’t say what kind) it was a little bit of a shocker for me, it came out of nowhere and I had enough on my plate dealing with University, now I had to lose a part of me too! ah well, no point moaning I thought, let’s just get on with it so one weekend after a week of Lectures and Seminars about stuff we’d be doing next term, I caught a train from Huddersfield and went all the way home before I had to wake up early the next day and I wasn’t even allowed to eat or drink anything all morning! I remember them injecting me so I would be asleep during the operation but I don’t remember actually falling asleep, the next thing was when I woke up in a bed, a nurse gave me toast and a coffee which actually was the best toast I’ve ever had (and that’s from a Hospital) it took a few hours but I would soon feel the pain…the painkillers had worn off and I can’t really describe it apart from ‘a pain’ a MASSIVE PAIN that kept me awake at night, made me cranky and would have me going back to the Hospital monthly for check ups and removal of stitches..never had stitches before and I never do before…they hurt!

Needless to say, it was painful to move, walk or do anything for months afterwards, I really can’t remember a more uncomfortable time of my life to this day, well maybe when I fell of a bike and cracked my jaw on the pavement and dislocated both my shoulders, and I was slammed into a House by a Horse, that one hurt but it’s not a competition. I was glad I had the Christmas Break to recover from this…I can’t imagine it being much fun struggling to move about during a Lecture or a Play rehearsal. However, it did give me more time to focus on my short story for the Writing Competition I was entering, even though I never put too much effort into it as I was only doing it for fun. Regardless I was able to finish it and send it off, not expecting much from it…I just liked taking part in something that I enjoyed doing…no pressure from others, I didn’t have to ask people if I could work with them or have them judge me before they even knew me…just me and my imagination…sorry to say but people can be harsh with people they don’t know so well, preferring to stick in their groups..that’s how it is at University…not everyone but enough. if we were all the same, it’d be boring.

It was a tough term to say the least, well it was for me anyway but I had survived it so that’s a positive, I hadn’t packed it in and quit even though I was close three times to doing so like many others I’ll guess but hey, enough of the negative, I made it didn’t I…there was Term 2 to make things better after all…even if we had to do another group project…yey I’m sure I’ll love doing that because I do so well in group projects… oh well, it involves Fire Engines, what did I say about Negativity…just to say people….I heard the phrase ‘Don’t worry’ so many times in my life I could get a tattoo on my forehead or a shirt with the phrase printed in capital letters! it is one of the most used sentences used when someone talks to me about something….gets kind of annoying sometimes but hey…I must have been worrying about something…no wonder people thought I was always quiet, I sounded so insecure and not confident about myself…typical it’s when you finish and graduate that you finally get it but it’s a little bit too late then, ain’t it?