Tag: Dark

Welcome To The Panic Room – Confessions Of An My Autistic Mind

…Welcome To The Panic Room….I hope you enjoy your stay here in the madhouse that I call my imagination, it’s a rut! I call it the mad house because for a very long time it has been the center of everything as I have grown up from boy to man, I felt like it was a rather dark place for a very long time, it is to me anyway because it can give me big problems, caused by myself and make me think negatively, it’s like it forces me to try to see things on the bad side all the time. My Panic Room, It’s where I would lock myself and all my doubtful thoughts away from the world and would never let anyone in ever!  otherwise paranoia might set in and take over everything, even when there is no need to! and I still don’t in many ways today…I find it really hard to let people in because I don’t think they would ever understand what goes on up here, heck sometimes even I don’t!

Behind those old rusty bars in my mind are my worst fears and thoughts from the past and for the future, they are locked in their and I have no desire to let them out because I would not benefit from the negative thinking, I prefer to always look at the bright side of everything, even my Autism which I admit to this day, I struggle to be positive about…probably because it’s forever. It’s hard because you know it’s something that is never going to leave you, that’s a big stumbling block for me because you always worry what other people are going to think about it, how they’ll perceive you once they know the truth so you worry and come up with scenarios of what might happen, something I do way to many times I’ll admit. I wish I had learnt about it when I was younger, I think I would have learnt to cope with Autism and stop myself from all the things I didn’t understand I was doing a lot sooner, who knows but maybe I’d have gone through life more positively  and I wouldn’t have left school hating them and not caring about them any more. I’d have been nice to not look back on my teenage years with hatred…maybe one day I will get over it and lay it to rest, it won’t be that dark monster that tries to remind me of what I once was, we all come from somewhere and have regrets but they don’t mean a thing if you accepted what they were and what you learned from them and I’ve learnt that my Autism is a good thing along the way, I no longer wish to get rid of it…not that I could but you know what I mean.

Maybe in my head, My Autism can’t be understood by others, I don’t know…I’ve spent so long looking down on it all, it took me 4 years to believe that I even had Autism once they told me that I had it so I decided to lock myself away in the only place I felt safe, my mind….I mean who else can get in there and hear what I’m thinking? No one apart from the obvious but never mind that. I had to decide on a way of looking more positively about my life for my future because at 13, I was in a dark place and It couldn’t continue anymore because it was just depressing me and the people around me didn’t exactly help the situation, they made it worse by taking me to meetings in hospitals, forcing me into small groups in school to learn agriculture instead of French, German or other classes! I din’t want to learn how to drive a tractor, I wanted to do Drama, History and other classes but they didn’t think I could cope….that led to me having a low opinion of myself and it brought me down to see the negatives in life, something I still do but nowhere near as much as I used to.

The positives in my life came about when I started to do things for myself at last, 16 was a great year for me because I was in charge…finally…no more stupid decisions by people who didn’t even understand what I had…it was great, I could see the good side of life for a change and I enjoyed every single minute of the next eight years of College and University, I had a lot of damage to undo thanks to school, I resitted my GCSES! the ones I wanted to do! and then did Drama for 3 years, made lifelong friends and met my fiance….so much better than becoming a farmer (No disrespect to farmers, it just wasn’t for me) I knew what I wanted and what was best for me and when I get married next year, it will conclude the best 10 years I’ve had so far…starting with the decision to go to college, I went through an adventure where I would learn to accept what I had, My Autism….overcoming obstacles along the way and even getting engaged and graduating from University, all that may not have been possible if others had their way, I had to break away and do things for myself, I had no choice, it was the only way to get what I wanted…I was tired of people looking at me and not seeing much…I wanted to succeed and rub it in their faces so badly, It became my drive and it pushed through everything and life became great because of it.

But then, a thought came into my head…I don’t know anyone else with Autism, or completely understand how others deal with it, live with it and such, Is that a reason why I look at Autism somewhat negatively because even though I have it, I feel like I was raised away from it in some way, as in people tried to keep me around people who didn’t have conditions for so long in some attempt to have me look…normal, I don’t know but I did meet some people with Asperger’s in College and they are my friends now. It made it harder to be positive about Autism when I didn’t know anyone else with it, someone who could understand what I went through and relate, it was just me for so many years and it was a relief after I let myself go a bit further into the world that I met people who were great, understanding and didn’t even care that I had Asperger’s , they just liked me for me and it was great!

My next mission is to be more positive about Autism, learn about it to a much deeper extent and put behind the miseries of the past and build a better future where the past will become irrelevant…even though it already is, I mean my GCSE’S don’t even matter from school anymore, my college ones are 10 X better than they are anyway so school taught me pretty much nothing that I can use today…wow…that’s negative….let me think…If I can take one positive thing from my time at school…it taught me to be a man and if you want something done right, you do it yourself I guess because I was so miserable I took it upon myself to get away and do all the things I wanted to do with my life and I’ll never take that back.

On wards with positivity  now, I love my Autism because without it…I might be a completely different person, I might not be me! I am who I am and I love that, seeing the negatives made me realise just how precious the positives in my life really are and I don’t regret that, not one bit and never will.

Alone In The Dark

It’s always been difficult, life that is…I don’t really recall ever laying back and saying I can truly relax…It’d be nice if I was given that opportunity and you would imagine that night time would be the perfect time to relax and get a good nights sleep, right? well when you have an over imaginative mind like mine, you can create so many scenarios in your head that you can struggle to get some well deserved sleep sometimes

I’m not the biggest fan of the dark, I’ll admit that yet I can’t sleep with any kind of light on…oh the irony so I have to be somewhat afraid before going to sleep at night. Lately I have moved house and this one is taking some getting used to because it’s more nosier than my other one…especially at night time, the floor boards creek and when it’s windy, you can hear it whistle by the side of the house and the pipes shake and rattle…all of that with the darkness can make it hard to sleep, especially with me and my imagination…why oh why do I watch mystery documentaries before going to bed on most nights, I’ll never know! I recently watched one based on a German Murder Mystery about Hinterkaifeck a story where a family is murdered from the shadows, a mysterious individual arrives unnoticed onto their farm and butchers the entire family to death in one night, they were never captured but the mere thought of a person being able to sneak onto a farm which has workers on it, undetected and be able to do all that without being seen once scares the hell out of me! countless sleepless nights because of that story, amongst others really.

Have you ever gone for a stroll in the woods at the midst of nighttime, I have and you always get the feeling that your being followed, even though 9/10 times, no one else is about but you can’t help it, it’s way to quiet even if it is almost midnight, it’s pitch dark and all you can hear is the owls hooting, the sound of leaves crunching beneath your feet and the odd animal noise from afar yet you still feel that with every step you take, someone is close by watching you, waiting to strike and end you. I once lived near an abandoned mental asylum and it had some woods around it, I would often go for walks in them…even at night time sometimes…no idea why, I just did but it always terrified me especially when their was a path that had no lights down it and it was pitch dark but I’d walk down them anyway…terrified…maybe I like to overcome my fears or something.